What has two legs and bleeds?



Half a dog.

What do u call a fish with no eyes?





A fsh!

Authorities in Ireland are investigating the worst air disaster in their history after a 2 seater light aircraft crashed into a cemetery. A spokesman said that so far, 43 bodies have been recovered but they expect to find hundreds more!!

Just had my water bill through - £175! Oxfam say they can supply water to a whole village in Africa for £2 a month - going to change suppliers, I think.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?



waht are you shaking for, she's going to eat me!!!



I'm here all week

How can you tell when a Wigan lass has an orgasm? She drops her pie









cant be any worse than some of the others!

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in St Helens?



Do you want to know HOW I know? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a TEETHbrush

So, the plane's about the crash and everyone knows they're going to die.



Suddenly a woman stands up, rips her top off, and shouts "I need a MAN to make me feel like a woman one last time"



Bloke stands up, rips his top off and shouts "here love, iron this"

My wife is going to have a fit when she see's the amount of christmas lights I have put up.









She's epileptic

Started my job as a bus diver today, not gone well !



A stunning blonde got on the bus with big tits and she said are you going to oldham ?



She didnt have to ask twice , back to the job centre it is !

Scientific fact of the day ! The heavier the woman the easier they are to pick !

I was at a party once and telling loads of jokes. A really big woman came over to me a started to shout at me! She said you're racist, sexist and fatist!! I said I might be racist and sexist but you are definitely fattest!!