"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.""Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!""Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.""Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all.""So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?""No, I have one every morning at 6:30."Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?""I don't wake up until 7:00."

I hate being bipolar, its amazing.

Two cows in a field.



One says "moo".



The other one says "you b*stard, I was going to say that".









I love the off season, me.

A DAY AT THE RACES







A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.



When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.



The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.



Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the children up, one by one, holding their thingys to direct the flow away from their clothes.



As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in Year Four.'







"No, love," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

What's brown and sticky?













Anal

Two flies sat on a turd ,one said "I've not seen you for a couple of weeks" the other said "I know I've been on the sick"

Two flies were sat on a toilet seat, one got pi$$ed off.

A skeleton goes into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of larger and a mop

Would have read better if it was LAGER, instead of reading as 'something bigger than'

I saw an advert in the paper yesterday, 'Yacht for sale'.

As if people don't know what a yacht's for.





"I hope Santa gets me a nice new diamond bracelet for Christmas," my wife said, winking at me.

I said, "I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you love. I don't think he exists."



I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'.

I dodged into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep.    



Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.

"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.

Trannys Love xmas They can Eat Drink and be Mary

Two snowmen in a field one turns round to the other "hey mate, can you smell carrots?"