A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly

a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit,

Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,

leans out of the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd Will you give me a calf?"



The cowboy looks at the man,obviously a yuppie,

then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why

not".



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,

connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,

he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on the

location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.



The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and

exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot

that the image has been processed and the data stored.



He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel

spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.

He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a

few minutes,

receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color,

150 page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the

cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and

looks on as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then the cowboy says to the young man,

"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is,

will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not."



"You're a consultant," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"



"No guessing required" answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you;

you want to get paid for an answer I already knew;

to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my

business."



"Now, give me back my dog."

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has been passed. Things will be different now and internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below... users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has been passed. Things will be different now and internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below... users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES!

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he

looks into his small bowl. It is empty.



"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.



Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks

into his big bowl, and it is also empty.



"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.



Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and

yells...



"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you

idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke

everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was

Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything

away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to

fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was

Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and

filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to

drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with

your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one

more time...



"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#%^*ING PORRIDGE YET!!"

"Smoking Dope or Doing Time"



Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."



Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked

the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"



"Well, your honor," he replied, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."



"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"



"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and

told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."



"That's admirable," said the judge.



"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy.



"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."



"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"



"Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your 4rsehole before you go to prison..........."

Merseyside Council are to name a new school after Ken Bigley.













They are currently advertising for a Head.

I shouldnt really laugh at that should I

BEST MOTHER IN LAW JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD.







A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.







While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."







The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.







The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?"







The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He

flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He

shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just

what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Elton John goes to a tattooist & says “I want a tattoo of a car on my c0ck.”



Tattooist replies “Better make it a 4x4 with the amount of sh*t it has to go through”

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.







'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'







'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'







'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.







'No Matthew. while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The Operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.







A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.







'That's an unbelievable story. So, Simon who are you going to be tonight?'









'Tonight, Matthew,



I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

As we now know, Dr. Atkins was 258 lbs. at the time of his death, an obese weight for a man 6' tall.



For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on

nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those

conflicting medical studies:



1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.





2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.





3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans





4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.





5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.



CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

What do you call a Nun sitting on a washing machine?



Sister Matic