2012 Olympics



Liverpools Olympic Bid



We have recently received a leaked document regarding Liverpool making a shock bid to host the year 2012 Olympic Games. In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic committee on their choice of venues for the games in 2012, the organisers of Liverpool's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of their own details which are detailed below.



Opening Ceremony



A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shellsuit will ignite the Olympic flame.



The Events



In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.



100 Metres Sprint



Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.



110 Metres Hurdles



As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.



Hammer



The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.) The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.



Fencing



Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewelry as possible within 5 minutes.



Shooting



A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows:



A Moving Police Van

A Post Office Clerk

A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver

Their next door neighbour.

The Local Vicar



Boxing



Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.



Cycling Time Trials



Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home (All against the clock).



Cycling Pursuit



As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.



Modern Pentathlon



Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson.



The Marathon



A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog , crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.



Men's 50km Walk



Unfortunatley this event will be cancelled, as the merseyside police cannot guarantee the safety of anybody walking the streets of liverpool.



Relay



Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.



Discus



Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate in the fastest time.



Closing Ceremony



Entertainment will include formation dancing by members of Livepool health in the community anti-drug campaigners, Syncronised brick throwing and music from the Toxeth Reggae Band



The Olympic Flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by someone droping a old washine machine on it from a block of flats next to the stadium.

What looks like a fridge but isn't a fridge?....A dishwasher!

2008's First Christmas Joke



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.



"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."



The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.



"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.



The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."



Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".



The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.



St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"





The man replied, "These are Carols."



And So The Christmas Season

Begins......

A Christmas Story



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys

as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas

pressure.



Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed

Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about

to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows

where.



Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the

toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.



Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of

rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the

cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the

cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen

floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw

off the end of the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and a very irritated Santa marched to the door,

yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas

tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely

day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many

Kinds of boobs are there?'



The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three

Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.?



In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.? After

50, they are like onions'.

Onions?'

Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'



This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how??

Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'



The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through



Three phases also.? In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and



Hard.? In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.??

After his? 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.



'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

We'll have no sexist jokes on here

Rugby League Hero



A rugby league fan is drinking in a London bar, when he gets a

call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and

orders a round of drinks for everybody, announcing his wife has just

given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.



Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,

but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in

Yorkshire ... Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna

be a rugby league player."



Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many

exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy

pains.



Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says,

"Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed

25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be

in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"



The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds." The bartender is

puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already

weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"



The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Tetley's bitter, wipes

his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says

"Had him circumcised

Embarrassing moment!















You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,

and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod.

> SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND

>

> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes

> harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they

> were younger.

>

>

>

> When you notice this, try not to shout at them.

>

>

>

> Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive

> woman.

>

>

>

> My name is Rod. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,

> Tricia.

>

>

>

> When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Tricia to

> get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

>

>

>

> Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her

> age.

>

>

>

> I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from

> work.

>

>

>

> Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest

> for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

>

>

>

> I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me

> when she gets dinner on the table.

>

>

>

> I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the

> question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

>

>

>

> She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual

> for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

>

>

>

> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening

> that they won't clean themselves.

>

>

>

> I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get

> them done before she goes to bed.

>

>

>

> Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it

> is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour.

>

>

>

> But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer

> encouragement.

>

>

>

> I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she

> won't have to rush so much.

>

>

>

> I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt

> her.

>

>

>

> I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

>

>

>

> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

>

>

>

> She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and

> several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house.

>

>

>

> It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day',

> but I try not to make a scene.

>

>

>

> I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit

> for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well

> make one for me too.

>

>

>

> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Tricia.

>

>

>

> I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will

> find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

>

>

>

> Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

> However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your

> ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was

> well worthwhile.

>

>

>

> After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

>

>

>

> EDITOR'S NOTE:

>

>

>

> Rod died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley

> screwdriver rammed up his bum with only 2 inches showing.

>

>

>

> His wife Tricia was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence

> that he accidentally sat on it.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide

under your skirt. I'll explain later.'



The nun agreed.



A few minutes later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have

you seen a soldier?'



The nun replied, 'He went that way.'



After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and

said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to

Iraq.



The nun said, 'I understand completely.'



The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of

legs!'

The nun replied,

'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of

b**ls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:



'To My Dear Wife.

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:



'My Dear Husband.

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

'18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.'

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

THE BIG 9 inch DECISION



A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'



The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance

compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'



The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a overjoyed. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'



The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.



'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'



'I have,' says the man.



'And has she helped you in making the decision?'



'She has,' says the man.



'And what is it?' asks the doctor.



'We're getting a new kitchen.'