Originally started by Mr Chuckles, Piston Broke, but seen as it's gone, I've started a new one.



Dopey and the nun.



The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they

have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven

Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey

leads the pack.



"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for

you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are

there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"





The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks

for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no

dwarf nuns in Rome."





In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing

them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any

dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"





The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and

then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in

Europe."





This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into

laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences

them with an angry glare.





Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are

there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"





After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds,

"I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in

the world."







The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing

and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their

cheeks as they begin chanting......



























"Dopey sh*gged a penguin!"

"Dopey sh*gged a penguin!"

I heard the cracker the other day. Somebody said Harry Gration was a professional broadcaster!





Oh no, sorry they meant a*sewipe.

He is. In exactly the same way as Eddie the Eagle was a Ski Jumper!

WARNING!



Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and to stay cautious when offered a drink by any women.



Many females use a date-rape drug called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and in bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered highly helpless against this approach.



After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desire to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women, who they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occured.



At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a long-term form of servitude and punishment, referred to as 'marriage'.Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered, and sex is offered by the predatory female.



Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this Beer and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarily affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under 'Golf Courses'.

Ok - there will probably be some flack for these, but what the hell!



Q: Which actor does Christopher Reeve most

want to be?

A: Christopher Walken.



Q: What's the difference between Christopher

Reeve and O.J. Simpson?

A: Christopher Reeve got the electric chair.



Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

A: Christopher Reeve in a house fire.



Q: What's got bright red underpants and flies.

A: Christopher Reeve.

A MAN walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.



After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources and without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.



The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”



“Its Keith, the midget,” the woman replies.

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.



The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"



The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.



After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was. The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized Crays and a swag of edible Crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share."



With that he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice Crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"



"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again! You fancy comin' with us?"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks

into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.



He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the

girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and

goes into the bathroom.



While he's in there the husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes!

He probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in

years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain, do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably

very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love

you."



To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it

was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too".

A man was out shopping with his wife in the supermarket and they got separated and he was unable to find her. He spotted a female store assistant with an impressive frontage and approached her.



“Excuse me” said the man, “may I speak to you for a moment?”



“Of course” said the assistant, “how can I help you?”



“I just want to talk to you for a short while, I’ve lost my wife in the store and whenever I stop to talk to someone with huge tits she always appears out of nowhere!!”

Are bigley ones allowed?

I dont want any scousers having a minute' silence!

Contraversial.

What the hoot



NEWSFLASH**********



The race to heaven bewtween ken bigley and christopher reeve has just been won.



Reeve won by a short head!

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"



After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."



This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"



"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."



This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"



Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."



At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...





"Is Michael Jackson God?"

At the pub tonight doing the Pubspeak quiz



Q: What is the capital of Cuba



Blonde barmaid - "no idea"



Clue - it beginswith H and think of cigars



Barmaid - "Hamlet"